Okay, everyone, my recent posts have been rather impersonal, but it is time to get real. With Bipolar disorder–with any mental disorder, for that matter–comes a whole lot of pain. Relationships involving someone with the illness can be healthy and inspire growth, but they are likely to be plagued with conflict and disorder. I mean, look at me. My psychiatrist blatantly stated that I have not maintained a single stable relationship over the past year. Pathetic? I think not. My illness is a raging storm that looms over my head, that feeds on the blood and guts of my failed relationships. Bipolar Disorder does not simply terrorize the suffering individuals; it infiltrates the lives of all who surround them. Yes, of course I’m capable of maintaining meaningful relationships with others. I possess the ability to quiet the storm that looms over my head and terrorizes everyone in the vicinity. But implementing such drastic changes takes time and active effort. I am doing my best, and I am learning. One is never pathetic so long as she is learning.
This post is directed at those I’ve hurt, at those I’ve taken for granted, and at those of whom I’ve asked the impossible. Bipolar Disorder is not an excuse, but it does influence my behavior. The list below could not possibly be considered a proper apology, but it is better than nothing. I only hope it explains the reasoning behind my actions and depicts how very sorry I am.
- I loved you. I just refused to admit it because I was petrified you would leave me. I have such a crippling fear of abandonment, and it pained me to imagine my life without you in it. But it was wrong of me to believe you would be so cruel as to abandon me. I hated myself for assuming the worst of you, and I knew that, if you were to leave, it would be because I pushed you away. I loved you, and I always will. Never doubt that.
- I wanted to be there in your darkest hour. I knew I wasn’t the only one suffering, yet I failed to comfort you. I promise that I wasn’t being selfish. I just couldn’t be there for reasons I don’t expect you to understand. After all, if I, myself, was filled with doubt, how was I supposed to assure you that all would be alright? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m making excuses when instead I should be apologizing. So, I’m sorry for not having a reason for not being there. There truly is no excuse.
- I wish I never tested you. I wish I trusted you and didn’t feel the need to question your every move. I wanted to ensure that you would not leave, that you would not flee upon seeing me at my worst. I realize now that, by testing you, I made it easy for you to walk away. Still, you chose to stay, and I continued to test you. Time after time, you offered me your unconditional love. And time after time, my paranoia led me to search frantically for conditions, to embark on a quest to uncover your faults.
- I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I hated you for hurting me, but I absolutely loathed myself for hurting you back. My intention was never to do you harm. I felt so betrayed every time you made the slightest wrong move. I now understand that I was not the only one who felt unloved, that you didn’t even believe you had the power to hurt me.
- I appreciated your loyalty. You thought I didn’t notice your undying love for me, your refusal to abandon me in my time of need. I suppose there was a time when I didn’t–not truly. I took you for granted, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. There were times when it was difficult for me to accept that someone cared because I struggled to love and value myself. But I appreciated your loyalty. I still do.